Let me cry on your shoulder a minute. I’m really looking forward to my mandibular advancement surgery in August. I told my surgeon that if amputating one of my legs would cure my apnea, I’d opt for the surgery. She assured me that wouldn’t work. I like a doctor with a sense of humor. (She’s German, so her humor’s very dry, just the way I like it in a woman.) This is getting serious. I’m so tired all of the time. Chronic sleep deprivation is messing with my mind and distorting my reality. I’ve become so temperamental and easily agitated recently. It feels as if my life were a shambles even though I’m actually extremely fortunate. I project, then live in the projection. I’m trying to hold on by thinking good thoughts and concentrating on my spiritual growth, but it’s difficult. If I could just sleep for about 16 hours, I’m sure I’d feel better. I’ve even begun to fantasize about drinking to unconsciousness. That would at least resemble deep sleep.
When I sleep, especially while supine, my trachea just collapses. My CPAP machine affords me little relief. It’s self-titrating, and I wake up with the mask blowing off of my face due to the high pressure. I endured a painful uvulopalatopharyngoplasty (UPPP) about 10 years ago, a procedure in which they removed my uvula and a bit of my soft palate, and I still have severe apnea. I hope the August surgery works. I don’t have many options left other than a tracheostomy, and you’d never hear the end of that.
